User blog:M.A.T.S.H/Nurse Ratched vs The Joker
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. No title cards for this one because of laziness and I wrote it in about 7 hours. The Joker's lines were meant to be a combination of all of the incarnations of him. Enjoy! Nurse Ratched's background: Oregon State Hospital The Joker's background: Joker's Funhouse from the Arkham games Cameo appearances by: Harley Quinn, Batman (reused footage), Mr. Martini, Randle McMurphy, Charles Cheswick, Billy Bibbit and Chief Bromden. Let's do this. Beat: Same one from the actual ERB Nurse Ratched: Good morning. Mr. J, is it? Welcome to today’s therapy session. Take a seat. Let us talk about your insanity and aggression. I’ve read about your crimes. But to me, you’re just another specimen. And my tongue has more acidity than the chemicals you were bathed in. Now, I'm not a great detective, but I'll break you easier than any Dark Knight. You try to kill a man dressed in black while wearing whiteface. That's not right. I am a medical professional. You’re just a little spoiled brat filled with incel rage. I’ve seen more intellect from Mr. Martini than from anything printed on your comic pages. You're nothing special. I see crazier madmen than you at work every day. And I'll smack you around and beat you just like how you treat your Harley! The Joker: Helloooooo Nurse! Ooh, I’m positively giddy! Now the fun can begin! Watch as I turn this nuthouse into my new funhouse after I’ve checked in! Keep your medical equipment to yourself, my rhymes are what will electro-shock. You belong in Arkham too! You’ve got Poison Ivy’s tits and the brains of Killer Croc! Wanna know how I got these scars?! You got yours from a fucking divorce! Don’t try and act like you’re so sane. You lost your head over a fishing tour! Got rhymes icier than Mr. Freeze or the bath you shove those vegetables into! How can you hope to beat me when your own patients rose up against you?! And you’re powerless when you leave that hospital! I’ll make this frogface croak! But at least go out with a smile! After all, this isn’t the first time you’ve choked! Nurse Ratched: I thought McMurphy was bad enough. But your behavior is abhorrent. (Fuck you!) Be quiet, Mr. McMurphy. I've seen scarier jesters from the circus. You call yourself the Clown Prince of Crime but you act more like a knave. Do you want a cold scalpel through your brain? Then I suggest you behave! Gentlemen, look at this pastel-wearing twit who can't spit it sick. (I DON’T CARE! I WANT MY CIGARETTES!) Sit down, Mr. Cheswick. You're right. We do live in a society. One that you should have left long ago! And I don't need to wear tights to defeat you! All I need is my microphone! I don't like little troublemakers who hang around with gangsters and poisons others! I’ll leave this clown crying. But I’ll have to do more than threaten to tell your mother! You’re nothing more than a third-rate pulp villain. It’s no joke that your act is a bore. I'm recommending you take an indefinite stay here. Here's what I’ll have in store: You like playing cards, do you? Well then, you'll get a blackjack to the head! My orderlies keep order just like I like it; they'll mop the floor with your henchmen! Some nice hydrotherapy! Then, it’s time for some electroshock! You'll really get smoked! Finally, we lobotomize you and leave you drooling in a corner! How's that for a killing joke?! The Joker: You got outsmarted by a Chief. I left the Police Commissioner a broken man! I’m out knocking banks and causing chaos while you’re busy changing bedpans! Hey, do you want to see a magic trick? I’m sure your inmates would approve of it. Go suck on your Thorazine, bitch. What I’ve got is something your asylum can’t fix! Ripping out frontal lobes, are we? Even Bats would think you’re vile. And you’re so damn morose, even my laughing gas couldn’t get you to smile! I’m ripping into you like how Bromden ripped up the fountain. But fuck him! I’m the only one in this room that’s as big as a mountain! Now, I appreciate your manipulative skills and enjoy a bit of foul play. But driving a kid to slit his wrists?! Ah, what the hell. I’ll laugh anyway! You’re a bigger psycho than I am! I don’t need any of your rigged card tests To prove that this Ratched skank is the biggest cuckoo in her own fucking nest! You think you can tame me with syringes and straitjackets?! You’re delirious! Lock yourself in a padded cel! I've just got one more question. Why so serious?! Nurse Ratched: I hope you're proud of yourself, Mr. Joker. I hope you're happy with the legacy you'll leave! Your entire psyche can be shattered into pieces with three words. "You're not funny"! No more clowning around. If you actually thought that your bars would make me shiver: Then you are as twisted as your gamer fans that shoot up midnight movie theaters! The Joker: Oh, you're awful, Mildred. I'm still making audiences scream and studios rich! Whereas the last time anyone even thought about you was back in 1976! There's no way you Kai Winn, bitch! Beam yourself up back to Deep Space 9! Hey, maybe you were just looking for a good laugh! How about that, so was I! Who won? Nurse Ratched The Joker Category:Blog posts